Is That Normal?

Is that Normal?

I have asked many others this question; “Is that Normal?”

How does one answer the question if someone else or their behavior/ailment is normal?

Statistics?

I speak in statistics a lot, I also complain about statistics as I know how easily they can be manipulated.

But, alas, sometimes that is all you have to go by…

I never thought I was normal. I tried to convince my parents when I was young that I was not normal. But I continued being told I was “normal”.

I suppose they thought they were doing me a favor. Making me think I was like others, even though I did not feel like other people.

This created an internal battle within me all of my adolescence.

Around the age of 18 I stopped pretending to be normal and just started doing and saying whatever I felt. This of course conjured significant consequences. But I must say that it was beneficial in some ways too, not just for me but for those I was around.

I stopped apologizing to people, and I stopped trying to hide “indiscretions”. I walked with an attitude that I owed no one an explanation and did not need to defend myself to anyone. At first I was scrutinized, or called names. But it usually ended fairly quickly and people appreciated the honesty in the end. They came to expect (without shock and awe) that I was going to do as I pleased. I believe it inspired others to be honest as well, To stop trying to be normal, and to be more like themselves.

I was an open book. People could speak to me without judgment, and I expected the same in return.

But as I said, there were consequences. Big ones.

One of which was inevitable arrogance. I took things too far. All my self-proclaimed freedom was a prison of personalized abuse in itself. Another story. Another time.
                       

I second guess myself a lot more than I used to these days. I am now 34 with two small girls, Aida is 4 and Holland is 2 and I have another little girl on the way due Valentine’s Day. I am married. Things are different. I miss the days when I questioned my intuition less. I hope to find a balance again with this. I try. But I am hard on myself and I apologize a lot more when I probably don’t need to, when I probably shouldn’t.

I guess those consequences I had mentioned were hard to handle, and it made me a little more gun shy. This came and went in a sense. But today, I do find I second guess myself more. This is circumstantial in many ways as where I derived much external strength in the recent and distant past, I  have now been stripped and I am finding a weaker sense of self left to fight off the dragons, so to speak.

The Family and I moved to Reno in May of 2015. Within a couple days of moving into our new home, I was in the shower, shaving under my arms and there was suddenly a large lump. Peculiar. I figured it was a swollen lymph node due to the stress of the move and that our family had been sick while I remained healthy. Still seemed funny to me, but again I remembered the word, Normal.

Moving on a month and I learned I was pregnant. Not planned.

More stress.

The lump was still there. “Is that Normal?”

Statistically speaking it likely means nothing. Damn statistics. 

So I waited till my first Midwife/OB apt.

I asked the Doctor, “Is that normal?”

She didn’t think so.

I figured it was still ok. After all, it likely was, statistically speaking. 

I digress.

The OB sent me to a radiologist who did not think it was “normal”.

The radiologist sent me to a surgeon, who did not say it was “normal”.

And out came the lymph node.

It did not look “normal”.

About a week later I found out I had Cancer. It was a “complicated” cancer. Needed more tests. It was not normal.

Fast forward to today. I am 4 weeks from giving birth. I have had all my lymph nodes (with the exception of 5) removed under my left axilla. I have gotten sick at least 3 times since and just recently went to the ER from uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. This is likely not related directly to cancer. They say it is “normal” as the baby is taking my immune system and I am vulnerable.

My feelings around all this are said to be “normal”.

Anger, bitterness, exhaustion, blah blah blah…

No one has any recommendations on how to deal with these normal feelings, because after all; they are normal.

While I am surrounded by the loudness and excitement of toddlers, and a husband who loves me, I feel alone. Alone in the darkness in my mind.

And yes, I know, these feelings are normal.

4 Weeks

I have 4 weeks, give or take until my little girl is born.

Due Valentine's Day.

When I was teaching yoga, I would teach self love on these days. Many despise Valentine's Day. I understand, the commercial holiday element.

I get it.

For me this year, this New year I have come to a loss as to how to do this for myself. Realistically.

I could tell you how, but I don't know anymore how to give myself the same prescription. I am hoping that this written expression will help.

At the start of my pregnancy I was diagnosed with Cancer.

My pregnancy was not planned. I have 2 young girls, Aida (4) and Holland (2). I have a husband. And we moved to Reno in May of '15.

To say the least, it has been a tough 8ish months.

I am new to all this. Blogging that is, so let me start slow.

However new or uncomfortable, I find a strong urge within me to share and be heard on any level. I feel isolated much of the time in my new life here in Reno. Upon moving from Seattle, I miss friends, students, the geography...I miss it all. I could go on and on with my love of the Northwest, and I may later but in all honesty, nothing is perfect. It is the longing of the past that prevents us from growing. Even if I were to go back, it would not be the same.

The Biggest Little... hmmm. What can I say about Reno. My anger is subsiding for this city. Logically I know that Reno did not curse me, although it feels like it did. I know this. But I am undecided as of today as I sit on the fence seeing the filth and beauty that encaptures this city.

Open and release.